Feeling stuck, in a rut, or a bit ‘blah’?

It feels like everything in my life is changing, but at the same time I feel stuck in a rut of just doing the same thing over and over again.  Through it all I have lost the things that I looked forward to, the things that bring excitement and joy, and every day I feel like I am just going through the motions.

Our family is in the midst of a season of change. Our eldest will finish school in a matter of weeks, our second has just changed schools and our younger three will start high school next year.

Soccer is important to our family. Our eldest has moved soccer clubs and the younger three are applying pressure to play Sunday soccer next year (and they will probably get their wish).  Sunday soccer means we need to consider where we go to church and what that looks like. 

At the same time, I am coming to the end of my time coaching my younger three children at soccer and I am coming to the end of my time as President of Consult Australia. My older children are now at a level where I am coming to the end of my active involvement with their sport; I have been able to assist with coaching or specific strength and conditioning work, but now I’ll transition to being a supporter on the sideline.

Meanwhile, Australia keeps going in and out of lockdowns, trying to manage COVID 19.  It feels like every day the rules change around what we can do and where we can do it. It feels like it is pointless trying to plan anything beyond tomorrow.

There is a lot of ‘little’ change happening in my life.  And this ‘little’ change is exhausting, but not particularly challenging. While there is a lot of ‘little’ change there is also a lot of the same.

Work keeps rolling on. Things at work are very busy.  This is the way when the economy is down in Australia – the Government spends on infrastructure. I have recently ticked over 10 years in my job as CEO at Tonkin. We have a clear strategy and a brilliant team. While there is a lot I still want to do in my job, right now my role is just to keep everything moving without too many disruptions or disturbances.  I am currently the chief of the cheer squad not the chief change agent.  Also, with the current workload, uncertainty and change in the world, our people can’t cope with major change in the business at the same time.

What I do day to day is largely unchanged, except for a few rule changes that impact me.  I go to work, I run, I try to go to the gym, I spend time with my family, I go to soccer training and games and I do it over again.

I am missing the challenge of something to really make me think, something that stretches me and is interesting - whether it is at work or at home. 

This, coupled with the inability to plan for things in the future because of the uncertainty, means that I am just feeling a bit ‘blah’.  To try and manage this I have turned to cooking - which isn’t very helpful for the waistline. 

Then recently I got sprung with another (not so little) change – I have been diagnosed with coeliac disease, meaning I have to change my diet.  This change has really knocked me about. I have become a bit militant about the presence of gluten; my dietician tells me that I need to be that way.  I have almost become a bit scared of food, particularly food that I don’t prepare.  For years I have lived on sandwiches for lunch and so far I haven’t found gluten free bread that is particularly palatable.  This is a change that I don’t want to deal with but have little choice.

I am fatigued by the changes that are happening (most of which I don’t want to deal with), but at the same time I am craving change! I am really missing the challenge and excitement of something new.  It sounds a bit weird to put that down on paper, but I think it’s the case. The problem is I don’t know what to do to find that next challenge. I’m a bit lost.

The summary of all this is that while there is a lot of change, it doesn’t include the challenge that actually gets me up in the morning and brightens up my day.  Instead, it is the change that has me just exhausted and on the tip of the slide down into depression.

At this point you may ask “So what?” – and it would be an excellent question. 

Firstly, I don’t think I am alone in this.  Secondly, I have been down this road several times before and I don’t want to end up in the same place -depressed and in a big dark hole.

So what?

The great thing about life is that we aren’t hostages to our situations, there are always options and opportunities. It’s about finding the right one, for the right time. I haven’t got the answer to my own question about what is right for me, but I do know that I can do something.

I could go and study something. I could volunteer in a different way to what I have done with Consult Australia. I could get soccer coaching qualifications to be able to keep coaching my kids at the next level. I could do a whole lot of things.

The thing I do know is that I must do something to start the recovery and to start to feel excited and joyous about each day. To continue to do what I have always done will only lead to the same outcome that I have always had. I can manage the changes I don’t want if I have something that is bringing me challenge, excitement, and joy.

If you feel the same way as me, reach out for that next challenge. 

R U OK?Day is an initiative of R U OK? an Australian charity dedicated to inspiring all of us to have regular, meaningful conversations to support the people in our world who may be struggling with life’s ups and downs.