R U OK day 2019

I was once shown a picture of a bowl of cherries – ripe and ready to eat – with a single cockroach in the middle of the cherries. The immediate reaction is that the cockroach has ruined the cherries. But if you reverse it and put one nice cherry in the middle of a bowl of cockroaches, the cherry makes no difference to the cockroaches.

I struggle to not allow the one negative to be more powerful than all the positives, particularly when I am struggling to manage my depression. The negativity bias of my brain can mean that one little thing overtakes all the positives that are happening around me. The negativity bias can drag me down deeper into the hole.

I became aware of this negativity bias a number of years ago and remember being told that it was something you could train your mind to overcome. It was possible to train your brain to look at the positives rather than the negatives. I haven’t managed this yet but am still working hard at trying to train my brain to see the positives.

Recently I watched the TED talk by Shawn Achor, “The happy secret to better work”. In this he talks about a 21-day formula for a more positive brain that includes:

So, I dutifully tried these five things for the 21 days and, believe it or not, it made a difference. I would encourage you to have a look at this if you haven’t before. However, I have found three things I would like to add to this list that have really helped me to get myself out of a recent hole. They are:

In the past few months I have started trying to learn Spanish. Now, I am not brilliant at languages but have been using an app on my phone or computer and trying to do this for 15 minutes a day. I have been making slow but steady progress and now can manage to order some basic food, identify clothes and name family members. Writing this isn’t about how much Spanish I have learnt. It’s the buzz I feel learning something new – afterwards it feels like my brain is supercharged for the day. 

I am thinking clearly and more alert, I feel like I am seeing things faster. I have added to it by watching a TED talk every Monday to Friday. There are some great talks out there that you can access for free that can open your mind to something you never would have thought about. I have watched things that have really helped me or been something I can share with a friend or family member. Learning something new has helped me to think clearly about the things that matter and to feel like I have had a little win at the start of each day.

Connecting with people is by far the most important thing for me in maintaining good mental health. I notice when I have been away from the people with whom I connect deeply, particularly my wife, I find that I drop a little towards the hole. I am an introvert by nature and very shy. I describe myself as the world’s worst networker – I almost need a bucket for the sweat and half the time, I chicken out of actually talking to someone new. But those aren't real connections, real connections are where you engage beyond simple pleasantries. They are the people you can say anything to, and it is alright.

Growing up, my best mate and I always had the ability to talk to each other about anything and even if we didn’t see each other for months, we picked up as though we had only been apart for 10 minutes. I have reconnected with this friend over the past year and it’s the same, we can just be real with each other.

I am also very blessed to have a wife who wants and needs to connect beyond just the superficial “how was your day”. She pushes me to actually share all the scary stuff in my head, particularly the stuff that I haven’t yet processed to the point that it makes sense.

I also have other friends who understand the power of this real connection and push me to engage with them regularly. I hope it helps them as much as they help me. Having people who you can really connect with and be real with is a great way to feel less alone. Being close to people makes you realise that you aren’t alone, you are close to others.

My final one is a really strange one for me. I am not a huggy person and am known in the office for being exceptionally uncomfortable with hugs. But I was encouraged to try to push through the discomfort and embrace the hug, and not just a quick one second thing, to really get into it and hold the other person. Now let me be clear here, I don’t go around hugging everyone. In fact, I don’t hug very many people at all, and I don’t suggest that anyone reading this should take that on. But I have a beautiful wife and five wonderful sons and when I actually let myself connect with them physically, it is an amazing release. Initially, I counted the 20 seconds and I don’t know what it is chemically, I can actually feel myself changing mood when I get to about 15 seconds. I’m sure there is a biological explanation for this but for me, I notice that there is a difference between a quick hug hello or goodbye and a real hug that lasts.

So, I am now at eight things that I am trying to do to train my brain to be more positive. And for me, it’s made a difference. Four months ago, when I started doing these things, I was in a big hole. Today, the hole is smaller, and the light is closer. I can’t wait for summer in Australia, it always helps me to feel better. Just saying that I notice that I’m more positive than I would normally be where I would complain about how cold, wet and dark it is.

So, what is all of this for? This week is R U OK Day in Australia, a day where we encourage people to ask others if they are OK and try to reduce the isolation of mental illness and prevent suicide. As someone who sometimes needs to be asked if I’m OK and who knows what it is like to wake up wishing that you hadn’t, the ability to find a little positivity in the day is worth celebrating. So today, I encourage you to connect with a friend in a deep way and to give someone you love a 20-second hug. Ask them if they are OK and genuinely listen to them!